My spending has gotten way out of control. I have a feeling (don't laugh) that I just might be addicted to shopping. Isn't that horrible? Wasn't that a bumper sticker slogan from the '80s? I have always liked to have nice things, but these days I simply feel compelled buy stuff I know I totally don't need and can't really afford. The fact that I spend most of my waking hours connected to the internet hasn't helped. For one thing, so many stores and mail order catalogs have web sites these days. It's just too darn easy. I don't even have to get out of my chair to blow $100 on a J Crew sweater or books from Amazon. Just a few clicks and blam the next thing you know a brown cardboard box is delivered to my cubicle.

And if that's not bad enough, I've recently discovered Ebay, and online auction (read: garage sale) where people unload their stuff on the highest bidder. It should be outlawed I tell ya! It's worse than crack, and 10 times more addictive. I feel like a gambler when I make a bid (I bid mostly on '70s and early '80s fashion dolls). Say you're the high bidder in an auction, OK? You can't wait till it ends so you can get your hands on what ever it is you think you need so badly you have to buy it off of a complete stranger on the internet. But then you get an email, gasp! You've been outbid! No matter that the thing you bid on is some dumb piece of crap you had as a kid and could kick yourself for for not saving it in its box back then. No matter that you have no earthly use for said thing and it will only end up collecting dust on your shelf. You've been outbid! By another bidder! You are now out to get this guy. What's his username anyway? Barbielovr? Skipperwhore? You want him to suffer. Why? Because there's a number next to his name -- it's his feedback rating. You can get feedback from each transaction you make. His number is way higher than yours. You decide that he doesn't deserve that thing you're bidding on. So you up your bid. Now, let's say you're fortunate enough to win the auction. Great! You are elated for roughly 90 seconds and then you realize, "Oh shit! Now I've got to fork over 40 bucks for something I really don't need." Now you are presented with a choice: pay by check or money order. If you pay buy money order you have to shell out $3 extra for the money order fee. If you go with a check you say the fee, but you have to wait 7-10 business days for the check to clear before the seller will ship the package. By the time you get the freaking thing you realize what a fool you've been.

Ah, maybe that's just me. All I know is that there is a little hole in me somewhere, a hole I know I can't fill with meaningless garbage, and yet I keep cramming clothes and vinyl dolls and suede sneakers in it like they'll actually fill it up and make my dissatisfaction with my life go away.

But it won't go away.

And I know it.

Well, at least I have a few minutes of contentment coming my way in 7-10 business days.